TRANSFANS SUCK
–GEEWUN (It ain’t 1985 anymore)
Boy George. Reaganomics. Madonna. Do you remember those times? Do you remember when Michael Jackson wasn’t so much of a freak? When Marvel comics were still good, and DC comics was doing a major revision of its universe? Good times, weren’t they?
So good, it seems, that Transfans want that year to stay. Forever. And for what? A few toys that have no articulation, the pieces get lost easily, the construction of them causes severe breakage, and the stickers, even when applied right, do not stay applied for long. And a cartoon to go with that toyline that has animation errors galore, no continuity whatsoever, a villain that punishes none of his traitorous crew, and the selfsame villain who, instead of simply destroys his enemies in a WAR, will set up complex and insane traps that serve no purpose whatever and allow for his enemies an easy way of escape.
Yes, good times aren’t they. It’s a wonder that Transformers even survived its first year with such an amazing toyline and cartoon to support it. Noted the sarcasm up there haven’t you?
–ONE TRUE WAYISM
Now, the cartoons aren’t the only continuity in Transformers. Oh no. That would be too easy. And probably a bit too smart. No, instead the Transformers gets the continuity from the toyline, multiple different continuities from the cartoon (most of which are incompatible with one another), a comic. Not bad huh? But wait, the UK had its own comics, which of course was not wholly compatible with the US brethren. And it even got a movie…with its own continuity, and bringing in new glitches to the existing storyline. After that, season 3 brings further errors in continuity that can not be rectified with itself. Japan gets even more continuities, however, they at least did it fairly intelligently - they all exist seperately. Each year has a storyline different from its previous years, including a manga which is also its own seperate line. Later on, the US, after a time where Transformers was no longer on the shelves, gets a different continuity. Many of them. So very many of them, in fact, that listing them all would be useless. Or rather, an exercise in futility. Suffice it to say, there are almost as many continuities in Transformers as there are actual toys in the lines.
So what does this have to do with “One True Wayism”? Easy: Fans have their own One True Way. And they follow it like a religion. More than a mere religion in fact, its adherents are adamant in their belief and vehemently oppose one another. Instead of simply being all fans of the same toys, and ACCEPTING of one another as fans of Transformers as well, they instigate the most brutal of harassments against people of the ‘other camps’ simply for preferring one storyline or toyline or comic over the others. Even if they ALL share the exact same things in common, both the fans and the lines they ‘worship’.
–ORSON (aka: AARON ARCHER) DEBACLE
Once upon a time, there was a Transformers forum (its name, however, won’t be mentioned here due to the fact that many of its moderators harass and act completely uncivil to its own userbase) that had a gift. That gift: Aaron Archer, a guest to the forums under the moniker of ‘Orson’ to protect his anonimity. So why is Aaron Archer more special than other users of the forum? The long and short of it is: Aaron Archer is the main designer and creative director of ALL things Transformers (at least in the USA). For many years, he’s been the main toy designer, as well as plotline coordinator and so forth. Not only has he designed the toys but the general outline of what he’d like to see in the cartoons to support them.
So here we have it, Aaron Archer is (well, was) online on a FAN forum. Giving out bits of information for the future. Sharing with the fans little bits of news and trivia of the toyline, or the upcoming storyline. Information that fans want. Convention news. Exclusives. New toylines. The sort of news that is quickly widespread about the community and shared amongst fellow fans.
Well, apparently Jack, the webmaster of tformers.com would have none of that. Seems petty jealousy rears its ugly head. Seems Jack can’t take the fact that someone else gets news a few minutes before he does for his own (rather uninteresting and poorly designed) website. So what does Jack do? Does he invite Orson to share with him also, like what would be smart? Does he offer Orson his own section to ‘play with’ and allow him to post as he wants? No, instead he makes a big fuss out of it. He complains. He yells. In fact, he bitches right to Hasbro touting how ‘unfair’ it is.
Real mature isn’t it? So, as a thank you to the REST of the fanbase for Jack’s petty actions, Hasbro has cut off communication with the fans. No longer does the community have ‘a man inside’, the only way Hasbro communicates with the fanbase is through official, impersonal means. Press releases and the sparse bit of news posted on their own website from time to time.
–FURMAN FETISHISM
Here’s a good idea: Let’s give a writer without any true skill who writes fill-in stories for comics (and third rate ones at that - both the stories AND the comics) head writer position on a dying comic series. It happens all the time in comics, so that’s not a rarity in itself. The rarity is the fans actually thinking it is good work. The rarity lies in the fans going ga-ga over the writer of no talent and putting him on a pedestal higher than anyone else on the creative side of Transformers can get. That’s right, Simon Furman has no talents as a writer, and the only reason he is so well “loved” by the Transfan community is the fact that he was writing MATURE stories for a CHILDREN comic. Here’s a smart decision: Let’s give Bruce Willis and the Die Hard series a Spongebob treatment. Notice how some things just don’t go together, such as MATURE AUDIENCES and CHILDRENS TOY COMIC?
Like all writers of meager talent (seems his talent in writing extends to being in the right place at the right time, making up words that make no sense at all, and correct spelling and grammar - though likely an editor aids in that) he is true to form: He rips off ideas of better stories wholesale. Without apology or credit to the originators of the storyline. Furman decides to steal from some of the best stories though. After all, if you’re failing, you might as well make it look as spectacular as you can huh? So where does Furman steal his ideas from? Why, none other than the Bible - and most other mythologies out there in fact. Instead of the Transformers being ‘merely’ giant robots who fight a war for their own survival against an opposing faction, they become warriors of destiny fighting for a metallic deity against another metallic deity. Yup, from out of the blue, it’s a bird, it’s a plane, no, the homeworld you were living on, fighting over, and despoiling, is now your own freaking deity and maker. Oh excellent idea, let’s toss out the YEARS of storyline saying otherwise for someone’s rendition of Robot Jesus. It’s obvious that Primus is the Biblical God, with Unicron the Biblical Satan, the story of Jesus had been subsumed into Optimus Prime. Alpha Trion (though in the comics Furman had to make up, for some reason, his own Transformer to fill the EXACT SAME role) is Methuselah, the wise old man. Starscream is Judas, Megatron is Pontious Pilate. After that you get the various disciples and sychophants on each side, all filling the various roles of various mythologies. And when Furman writes for the Beast Wars show, he tosses out dozens and dozens of episodes worth of setting to install HIS vision of the Transformers, with HIS creations of Primus and HIS religious penchant via the Covenant of Primus, a book that was never mentioned before or since again, yet held by the script itself as the Be All And End All Of Everything.
Furman has not told any new stories. At all. In fact, every single storyline he writes is the EXACT SAME storyline that he wrote before. The players differ slightly, but the stories are all the exact same. Optimus Prime dies. Grimlock becomes the ‘awesome big bad boss’ and his own personal Mary Sue. Some other Decepticon is in charge of their army. Megatron returns, takes over leadership (often violently), Optimus returns, takes over leadership (often peacefully), and in returning, Optimus alone knows the Real True Threat. Prime makes an alliance with Megatron, both Bots and Cons get united as one, Prime often gives an inspirational speech about the nature of their race and existence and fate, many people not named Grimlock, Starscream, Prime and Megatron gets killed fighting in the big huge battle to defeat the big huge Threat. Prime gets killed as a result of the fight (often during or just after using his deus ex machina the Matrix), gives an inspiritng speech, and gives Grimlock leadership before finally expiring. It’s happened several times before. In fact, each and every time Furman writes a storyline, it happens. Time and again, exactly the same.
–SERVE US HASBRO!
Thank you. Not a hard thing to say is it? When you’re a Transfan, apparently you take all the goodies with one hand, and raise the middle finger, loudly and often, to the person who allowed you to even have those goodies in the first place. Hasbro panders to the Transformers fan. PANDERS. The fans want Starscream, Starscream is what they get. The fans want Grimlock (For some insane reason) and Grimlock is given to them. Toylines that don’t even fit the toys get them anyway (see Grimlock and Swoop in Energon, the Beast Wars figures in Armada), toys that have superior and original color schemes in Japan are instead recolored, renamed, and retooled for the US shelves to be homages of toys from long ago.
American fans wanted Japanese cartoons, and for years the US and Japanese toons have been one and the same. American fans wanted Japanese toys, and Japanese toys are granted to them. Americans wanted comics again, and they get them. They wanted comics written (for some ungodly reason) by Furman, and they get them. They wanted games, and they get them. They wanted toylines different than the main toyline, and they get them. They wanted a movie, and they get it.
And how do Transfans express their gratitude? Do they say thank you? Do they give Hasbro credit where credit is due? Nope, they play with their new toys, while telling Hasbro to do it Their Way, and Stop Screwing Up, and giving a big F U instead of Thank You.
–HATING ON BEAST WARS
By the 1990s, Transformers had died. Twice. Its original toyline petered out a slow and painful death many years ago, and the revival line that didn’t revive much of anything died out after a very short lifespan on the shelves. The line was even discontinued in Europe, who loved Transformers, and Japan, who loves everything Giant Robot. Hasbro had written it off. No further plans for Transformers were considered (I even have an official letter from Hasbro stating such, isn’t that nice of them to send such when you simply ask nice?) either. Then, after aquiring Kenner, a designer from that company pitches the concept of a new toyline to Hasbro, who approves it. That toyline becomes Beast Wars. Financially an extremely profitable success for Hasbro/Kenner. It is also a very long lived toyline (for a toyline), rivalling the original line in terms of both toys to purchase as well as duration of its lifespan. Life seems good for Transformers, namely because Transformers has a life again.
But how do the Transfans respond? Not with a thank you of course, no. They see it as a betrayal to the original line. They see it as a poor toyline (even if it is more successful than the original), they see the cartoon, which was more intelligently written than any preceding it (and an Emmy award winner to boot) a failure, even with all the homages to their beloved original toyline. They rag on Beast Wars like it was the Worst Thing of All Time, neglecting to remember that without Beast Wars, Transformers would have remained dead in the early 1990s when G2 was pulled off the shelves.
Why? For what reason? “I want vehicles!” they say. “Beasts have never had a place in Transformers!” they say. So, in honor of all those beasts that have ‘no place’ in Transformers, I say thank you for giving some variety to the toyline. Thank you, Sky Lynx, Ravage, Laserbeak, Predacons, Dinobots, Monsterbots, Terrorcons, Trypticon, and all the rest. Apparently you had no place whatsoever in a vehicle driven place, so kindly erase yourself from history and don’t exist any longer. You don’t belong here after all. The fans said so.
–BOB SKIR THREATS
I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of Beast Machines. It was…odd. For no reason, Megatron, who is a prisoner, winds up not only winning the Beast Wars that he lost, he rules Cybertron. ALL of Cybertron. As in, he’s the only living being on Cybertron for untold centuries. Somehow one rebel prisoner is able to defeat an entire planet full of his enemies without any reason or apparent power base. For some reason, Primal, who is shown as being practical, logical and pragmatic, becomes extremely religious (in a way only Transformers can it seems). For some reason, Rhinox becomes a bad guy, willingly so. ALL these ‘for some reasons’ and no storyline given to show HOW any of this happened or WHY. So, all told, Beast Machines, in my eyes, is a bad sequel to my favorite Transformers series.
However, that said, I have to thank Bob Skir for it. Sure, I wished it went a different way. I wish some things were told in more detail, with more of a focus on certain elements only touched upon, and some things were different (such as Rhinox remaining a good guy still, as he should be). But thanks to Bob Skir, we get what fans have been wanting for a long time: A series with a focus on Cybertron, home planet of the Transformers, with more information about that planet. We get a direct sequel to the best series yet to bear the Transformers name on television. We get a compromise for toys also, both beasts AND vehicles.
So of course, Bob Skir is thanked in a way only the Transfans can thank him: With big old F Us and nasty death threats for even working on the Transformers at all. Bob Skir is thanked by being afraid to go to the conventions of the fans. Afraid for his very life. What a way to go, what a way to be mature, give death threats to a person only doing his job to work on a children’s television show. I bet the kids would love that.
–BUDIANSKY HATE
Bob Skir isn’t the only one to recieve death threats. Budiansky has also. Not as prevalant as Bob Skir or Michael Bay (see below), but he has also been ‘graced’ with the epitome of a “Transfans Thanks” in the past. Why? Because he ‘dared’ to write “The Carwash of Doom”. A comic book. One issue of a comic book series. One issue of a comic book series written for CHILDREN and for the purpose of selling toys. Was it a silly issue? Kind of yes. It had its own internal logic that works however. But the fans find it way too silly and illogical. Because there’s nothing more logical than a bunch of giant robots crash landing on Earth millions of years ago, staying dormant for that whole time (seriously, why didn’t they corrode or have other natural processes infect and/or erode them?), becoming vehicles to wage their war for our gas (how can Transformers use our fuel when deisel fuel and unleaded fuel are incompatible and their from the same planet?) , and not having any human dying in the crossfire of a war. Nothing seems silly about the leader of a faction known for treachery, a faction where you gain power by destroying all those in your way to rise in power yourself, to transform into a freaking pistol which can only be used in the hands of the very people that routinely want to destroy you to take your place. Yes, there is no place for silly and illogical in Transformers at all…
Budiansky’s contributions to the Transformers mythos is great. In fact, the GeeWunners secretly PRAISE Budiansky. They proclaim the original tech specs as the best a toyline has ever seen. They proclaim the original storyline the best of Transformers. They proclaim the original characters the best ever. And who wrote the original storyline? Who wrote hundreds of tech specs for many different personalities? Who named and made all the characters into something interesting and well loved? Budiansky. So as a thanks Budiansky, who should be given a higher pedestal than Furman the Transfans deign give him death threats over a single issue of a comic most people haven’t read, much less in the context of the time it was written in. Way to go there, smart guys. Alienate the guy you actually worship for your TOYS.
–MICHAEL BAY IS THE WORST THING EVER
Name a toyline from the 1980s that can concievably be a blockbuster hit movie. Go on, I dare you. Much less, name a toyline from the 1980s that focus on the toys and stories of the 80s, toys and stories over two decades out of date and in the dust of the past. Give up? Yeah, besides Transformers, what else could do it?
Well, when news of a brand new, huge budget, blockbuster of a Transformers movie it caused shockwaves across the Transformers fan community of course. All of them negative, all of them with their own death threats. All of them many years before we see ANYTHING of the movie whatsoever. From the very moment the news came out, Transfans have been saying that the movie will destroy the line forevermore, and that Michael Bay is the worst person ever and deserves to die for this atrocity.
Good way to say thanks for having a movie with a multimillion dollar budget for a toyline that’s been dead two decades huh? Death threats, always nice and wonderful, apparently if you’re a Transformers creator, the more death threats you get, it means the better you’re doing your job.
–EVERYTHING NEW WILL DESTROY TRANSFORMERS FOREVER
When G2 came out, Transfans said it’d destroy the line forever. When Beast Wars came out, they said the same thing. Each year the dance continues. New product comes out, and the prophecy of “Ultimate Doom” keeps being spouted off. It was worst in the Armada days. Before knowing anything about the toyline, transfans have stated that it will kill the Transformers line with no hope of revival. They stated that the Mini-con is akin to a Pokemon, and even spouted the ‘Gotta catch em all’ tagline of Pokemon as a rallying cry against the new toyline. Let’s not forget that for the price of a single toy, with articulation, complete with weaponry, well done gimmicks, great details, you get a FREE toy with all those same features that combines with the larger toy to unlock even more features and gimmicks.
It’s old, hypocrite. The fact that the toyline still exists, the fact that homages are being done in each toyline means that nothing will destroy the Transformers. Further, the toylines are being created for children. That’s the main market. Not for you. For the children. As much as a transfan hates to admit it, they’re not the main audience of the line, and their money doesn’t speak to Hasbro. They’re not even a presence in Hasbro’s fiscal concerns, the profits Hasbro makes are from children. Just accept the fact that a new toyline will come out, with a new cartoon, and that there will be parts of it you like and dislike and be happy with it. It’s what intelligent people would do.
–TRASHED TRANSTECH
Beast Machines ended with a cliffhanger. One that was never ever dealt with in canon at all. The proposed conclusion to it would have been Transtech, a rather unique design. Transtech seemed everything that Transfans wanted. Warriors from the Beast Wars era AND warriors from the original era united to fight on Cybertron for the future of their homeworld. Included are many many many homages to every toy and series put out to date, including the possibility, due to the storyline, of having everything that came before to be able to become a part of the new line. Megatron, Prime, Shockwave, Starscream, and more, all scheduled to appear, all with homages while being redesigned with current toy technology, and most importantly articulation. And even more importantly, the cartoon would finish the storyline that ended with such a cliffhanger that the Grand Canyon looks like an asscrack of a bad hentai picture.
So why didn’t they produce Transtech? The fans. Seems most of the fan community has taken it upon themselves to start a religious crusade to insure that Transtech not be released. Even going so far as to staying true to form…and issuing death threats to Hasbro personel over the proposed toyline. Way to go, nothing’s better than simply y’know, not buying or watching the toyline when you have the option. No, that’d be smart. Instead let’s just destroy the toyline, its creators, and all hopes of the rest of us have of seeing it come into fruition. Yeah, that’s the Transfan way to do it.
–IN CLOSING
I created the handle Transfotaku years ago as an amalgamation of Transformers and Otaku. Otaku is a Japanese word with many connotations of its own, most not very flattering. However, I’d much rather be considered a Transformers Otaku, with its myriad connotations, than a Transfan, a death threat tossing hypocrite of an a-hole who thinks his way is the only way, and that not even Hasbro can do right by them. Wouldn’t you?